Updated on Feb. 10, 2025
Most healthy relationships require compromise, but if you see these red flags in your partner, pay close attention—especially if you are in the first flush of romance.
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Highlights
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Deal breakers in relationships are significant issues that result in feeling unsafe or disrespected—to the point that the foundation of your relationship is brought into question, says Michele Goldman, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist at Columbia University, adjunct professor at NYU, and advisor for the Hope for Depression Research Foundation. “This is why deal breakers often result in the end of a relationship.”
These are major, non-negotiable issues that a person tends not to be flexible around—and more nuanced than another term we hear tossed around a lot: red flags.
“Red flags are often smaller issues or warning signs about potential problems or problematic behaviors,” she explains. There is a connection—red flags are often the precursor to deal breakers, especially if they go unaddressed. However, she says, “It is generally thought that red flags can be addressed, and if people are willing to work on these problematic behaviors, the relationship can continue.”
A good way to think about deal breakers is to apply the best friend test, says Gary W. Lewandowski, Jr., PhD, a professor of psychology at Monmouth University and the author of Stronger Than You Think: The 10 Blind Spots That Undermine Your Relationship…and How to See Past Them. “Like, would you put up with this behavior from your best friend? Wouldn’t you be surprised if your best friend treated you this way?”
That said, Dr. Goldman explains, “It is important to note that other people have strong opinions on what should and should not constitute a deal breaker.” She adds, “Only the people in the relationship get to decide what is right or wrong for them.”
There are some common boundaries many of us share, however. Below, experts and current research identify the most common deal breakers that cross the line in a relationship.
A 2023 review published in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health found that research across 160 cultures reveals that cheating is the most common reason for a relationship to end. But while many agree that cheating is a clear-cut cause for moving on, once you’re in the situation, it may not be as black and white, says Beth Sonnenberg, MS, LCSW, a licensed clinical social worker and a psychotherapist with a private practice in Livingston, New Jersey.
First, it depends on your definition of cheating, she notes. “Is it an emotional relationship like with a colleague at work where they’re emailing back and forth? Is it a 10-year sexual relationship or just a one-night stand? There are so many different scenarios that can play out, and you don’t know how you’re going to feel until you’re in that,” says Sonnenberg.
For couples in an open relationship, it may be about breaking the ground rules you mutually agreed on.
How long you’ve been in the relationship, how destructive the trigger was, and how strongly you feel about infidelity will determine how motivated you are to consider this a deal breaker, Sonnenberg explains.
Or you may want to get past your partner’s affair and work on the relationship, only to find that your resentment continues to grow and you no longer trust your significant other. “That’s only up to you. Some of it is up to the behaviors your partner is showing you, but what are you OK with?” says Sonnenberg.
“I think that if you don’t feel safe with someone you’re with, then that is too huge a red flag to ignore,” Sonnenberg says. But when you’re in the thick of it, abuse can be hard to recognize, according to 2023 research published in Social Psychological and Personality Science.
This is because abuse can often evolve subtly, peppered into your everyday interactions—and over time, this erodes away someone’s self-esteem. Victims of abuse report questioning their own judgment or convincing themselves they’re overreacting. A lack of social support, financial insecurity, concern for children, and love and/or attachment to their partner can complicate things further, per the research.
That’s why understanding your personal deal breakers and identifying them if they pop up in your relationship is an important strategy. The Social Psychological and Personality Science research found statistically significant predictive behaviors of abuse developing in relationships.
These warning signs (each of which can be a deal breaker on its own) include:
“My personal bottom line is anything that affects my serenity, safety, and security,” says Susan Winter, a relationship expert, coach, and author of Breakup Triage. “If I have a volatile partner, that’s my safety. If there is verbal or physical abuse or any kind of violence, physical violence, it’s a deal breaker. You cannot fix that, overlook it, or wish it away. You can’t love them enough to heal it. It’s something that they have to do.”
Trust is a non-negotiable element for any type of social relationship, says 2023 research published in Frontiers in Psychology—and it’s a collaborative effort to develop and maintain trust grounded in mutual responsibility, confidentiality, integrity, and consistency in behavior and emotions.
“If you were a person that I cannot trust—if there is chronic dishonesty and betrayal and no trust, then it also affects my serenity,” says Winter.
The same goes for financial abuse or infidelity, she says. “That affects your safety and security. If you have a partner who is taking your money or the communal money and making bad investments and doing things behind your back or that you disagree with, and some portion of that is yours, then that’s not cool. And that’s not a relationship that’s going to survive,” Winter notes.
How can you tell early on in the relationship if the person you’re dating is a stand-up guy or gal? “People will talk about simple tests, like, would you give your partner your cell phone password? Would you give them your credit card and then trust them with that?” says Dr. Lewandowski. “Some of those kinds of things are important to think about. You should have a trustworthy partner.”
Some differences you can work out. For instance, while you may think now that you’d never marry outside of your faith, you might fall in love with someone who doesn’t share your religion. “Maybe there’s a compromise available because the other person may be willing to raise the kids in your religion, even if they don’t switch their own,” says Sonnenberg.
But one issue that doesn’t really have a compromise is whether or not to have children, say experts. “If someone’s sure that they don’t want to be a parent and the other person isn’t on the same page, that can be really tough,” Sonnenberg says. “Maybe one person thinks the other partner will change their mind and want to be a parent, and then resent them for not changing their mind. I think that’s an example of one that definitely should be discussed ahead of time because you have to have a similar vision for picturing your future together.”
When to hold that conversation? “Obviously, you’re not going to start talking about having kids on your first date,” says Sonnenberg. “But I think if you’re going into a situation where you’re meeting their family or friends, it would be helpful to have these discussions ahead of time just so you’re on the same page.”
Another warning signal for Winter: “A partner who’s always right and will never listen to you.” She says, “A person could look perfect on paper and tick all the boxes, but their disposition will erode the relationship if they’re not able to take responsibility for the times that they have been insensitive or hurtful, they’re not able to honor your boundaries, or be sensitive to your needs, and make these corrections.”
Other character traits can be deal breakers because, in the long run, they eat away at your relationship, says Winter. One is the person who plays the victim in every fight, even when they’re in the wrong.
For instance, if your partner decides to go out with friends instead when the two of you had plans for dinner—but then blames you for being controlling when you call them out. That’s a warning signal, as is the narcissistic person who just loves to push your buttons for their own power trip, Winter notes.
“Psychological mind games are not allowed,” she says.
Whether it’s a substance abuse problem, gambling habit, or “workaholism,” addictive behaviors can drive a major wedge in relationships, Dr. Goldman says. But it’s a tricky one to flatly call a deal breaker in relationships.
The Cleveland Clinic explains that addictive behaviors don’t result from a lack of willpower or poor decision-making. Addiction is a chronic brain disorder, per the American Society of Addiction Medicine. For the person with an addiction, it’s often lifelong work to manage their behavior.
Still, as we’ll get into below, you get to decide the deal breakers in your own relationship. If you have a past history with addiction (either personally or from a family member or former relationship), addictive behaviors may be a total non-starter for you when it comes to a romantic partner.
In other cases, addictive behavior may serve as a red flag—one that can slide into deal breaker territory if your partner is not willing to address and manage their actions.
Controlling behavior is a hallmark deal breaker in many relationships, according to Dr. Goldman. Yet, while people understand its influence in others, many don’t recognize controlling behavior in their own relationship, according to 2019 research in Psychosocial Intervention.
Controlling behaviors are most often associated with asserting dominance, disguising jealousy, or using manipulative tactics to change the other person, per the research. And it’s considered a form of psychological abuse.
This can result from a combination of subtle to overt parameters of control, such as:
Unfortunately, there are many more types of controlling behavior. But the biggest sign you’re experiencing this in your relationship is if you feel that you can’t be your authentic self with your partner—or you begin to try and hide things from them.
Communication has consistently been shown to be the bedrock behind relationship satisfaction, per 2021 research published in Frontiers in Psychology. And while, for many, the emphasis on good communication revolves around constructive responses in conflict, it also encompasses sharing personal successes and transparency in everyday conversation.
For instance, your partner may handle fights well. But gaps in day-to-day transparency can create rifts in a relationship—and, in more serious cases, cause a shift in power dynamics where one partner holds control over what they decide to share.
“For example, if a relatively new partner withholds information and is questioned why they did not share that, a common reply might be, ‘I didn’t know I had to.’ To many people, that seems like a valid response and makes the situation feel benign,” Dr. Goldman says. “However, that might be the precursor to a deal breaker in that the person does not feel the need to be open and honest about various topics and might try to manipulate their way out of accountability.”
It may be helpful to think of deal breakers in relationships as boundaries. “Each individual has boundaries. It’s how we make ourselves feel comfortable in partnership with another. And they’re unique to us,” Winter says.
“When people first get together in relationships, they often overlook some of the aforementioned behaviors, mostly because it comes across in subtle ways initially and is not flagged as a major concern,” Dr. Goldman explains. “Over time, small occurrences without consequence allow the person to push the boundary.”
This is a tough one to navigate, according to experts. For some, there could be a disconnect in understanding one another’s values at the onset of a relationship—which could lead to a shocking change in dynamic as your life together evolves.
“In new relationships, many people are overwhelmed with lust and desire,” Dr. Goldman explains. “Because of strong positive emotions, many do not have transparent conversations about values and ideals, about what they want, need and hope from their partner.” In other words, the honeymoon phase can shield people from the reality of incompatibility in the relationship, and shield people from registering deal breaker behaviors.
What’s more, our values are dynamic and tend to change, according to 2023 research published in the Open Journal of Social Sciences—and that means what you consider to be a deal breaker can change, too. Compromises that once worked for mildly different values around aspects like career development, religion, health, or other priorities may no longer work as people grow and change in their relationship.
Some deal breakers are pretty universal. For instance, “Abuse is unacceptable and does not need to be tolerated in a relationship,” Dr. Goldman emphasizes. “If you are in a relationship that is harmful or abusive, please consider reaching out to a mental health professional for help.”
Still, what else constitutes a deal breaker in a relationship is extremely personal. For instance, a 2023 study published in Personality and Individual Differences sorted through decades of research, finding that a majority of people consider apathy/low motivation, being “gross”/having poor hygiene, and clinginess as relationship deal breakers.
“Everyone is allowed to determine their own deal breakers,” Dr. Goldman says. “Other people may disagree or judge your deal breakers. If we’re honest, most of us have judged other people’s deal breakers.” It’s easy to judge other people, but no one knows what is happening in a relationship except the people in the relationship.
She says to first think about what you cannot and will not tolerate in a relationship. “Think about your boundaries that you cannot and will not allow anyone else to cross—these are your deal breakers.”
Dr. Goldman also suggests trying to describe the unhealthy aspects of relationships. “Of these unhealthy aspects, prioritize what you can and cannot tolerate in a relationship—anything that is intolerable is generally a deal breaker.”
However, for some people, context matters and changes whether a deal breaker is, in fact, a deal breaker. “For example, a person might not tolerate being cheated on,” she says. “However, if there are children in the home, they might try to work on repairing the relationship. Children, for some people, might change the context.”
Talk to your partner about areas of compromise vs. your relationship deal breakers. This might include discussing certain values you hold in terms of, say, religious differences. Or maybe you want to make sure your partner shares your values on monogamy and honesty. “Having effective communication about deal breakers is very important,” says Sonnenberg.
“Maybe there is wiggle room, maybe there’s not, and you could decipher that by how much they stick to their belief,” says Sonnenberg. “If it’s an ongoing discussion and you’re able to change your feelings about it and see the other person’s side and make a compromise, that’s the important piece.”
Whenever you bring up your deal breakers, do it in person—not over the phone or text—so you can observe your partner’s body language, says Sonnenberg.
“There are other visual cues besides just how they respond, so you can really understand if they’re telling the truth and are on the same page as you or not,” she notes. You can also tell how honest they are if you bring up a topic like infidelity and it makes your partner uncomfortable, she says. “Or they say, ‘Totally, me too!’ and they’re not removing their picture from Bumble.”
As humans, we tend to focus more on negative qualities than positive ones, per 2022 research published in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health. This is called negativity bias—and it’s actually an evolutionary response hardwired into our brains to protect us from negative situations.
While negativity bias would’ve helped our ancestors’ survival, in the modern world “we tend to notice bad things more than we notice the good things,” Dr. Lewandowski says. “We take good things for granted.”
So, to get around this negativity bias, Dr. Goldman suggests thinking about how you show up for people in relationships: “Do you try to be trustworthy? Do you believe in consistency? How about spontaneity? Or stability? There are no right answers to this—it is specific to the person.” Then, consider what those values mean in terms of specific behaviors: Those are your deal makers.
In the end, if your partner does exhibit those (good) behaviors, Dr. Lewandowski says your relationship is probably stronger than you think. “People just need to be careful when evaluating their relationship to weigh the good and the bad so that you’re not being too hard on the relationship.”
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